On Walking Behind Your Man

There is absolutely no denying or disputing the fact that our Indian society still wants women to follow their men.
The wife, by her very definition in our culture, plays supporting role to her husband who is the hero:
She is अर्धांगिनी (ardhangani), one half of her husband.
She is सहधर्मिणी (sahadharmini), an associate in the fulfillment of his human and divine goals;
She is सहकर्मिनी (sahakarmini), a co-worker in all his efforts
She is सहयोगिनी (sahayogini), a helper in all his ventures.

This has been true from the time of the Vedas:
“I will be the Saaman (music) and may you be the Rk (the Vedic text being cast into music).
Let me be the heavens (the upper world) and let you be the Bhumi or Mother Earth.
I will be the Sukla (life force) and may you be the bearer of that Sukla॥
Let me be the mind and let you be the speech.
May you follow me to conceive children and gain worldly as well as spiritual wealth."

It has been true through Manu’s description of the ideal female partner for a man—who, by the way, should be about one-third his age—
" karyeshu dasi, a slave/servant in her work
karaneshu mantri, with the administrative powers of a minister
bhojyeshu maatha, who can feed you like a mother
shayaneshu rambha, and please you like Rambha in bed
kshamaya dharitri" and who has the forbearance, the patience—the sahanshakti—of Earth

It has been true through Kalidas, who said:
“Women go the way of their husband as moonlight follows the moon or lightning the cloud”
And it is true as propagated by all our immensely popular television serials that begin with the letter 'K'.

Much more, it is still true as lived by millions of women all over India.

Therefore, let’s take that part for granted.
Society desires women to walk one step behind their men.

But does higher social approval come to the women who follow in their husband’s footsteps? Who do not deviate? Who never challenge the norm? Who do the done thing, so to speak?
Therein lies the rub.

Society may expect a woman to be one way, may prescribe a woman’s ideal, but it reserves its approval—its esteem, its appreciation, its recognition, its awards, its admiration, its praise, respect and acclaim—for those women who flout all the expectations and defy its prescriptions.

Think of any Indian woman who has had any impact through myth and legend and history:
Durga, Kali, Draupadi, Rani Lakhshmibai, Indira Gandhi, Mother Teresa

Think of any contemporary Indian woman who has achieved social recognition or appreciation—Rekha, Sushmita Sen, Arundhuti Roy, Mira Nair, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw, Sania Mirza,

You will find that they are all women who do not recognize any social limits on their beings. They are all women who stride way ahead, or go away, or create their own difficult road.

They are all women who do not follow the beaten path.

On the other hand, think of the women who did the done thing:
Sita did every single thing by the book. Did it get her her society’s approval?
Madri was the perfect wife who even committed sati with Pandu. But who gets all the attention? Kunti, a woman with a curious past and her own mind.
Krishna’s wives committed jauhar after him. Do we know their names? The names we associate with Krishna and celebrate and adore are of two of the most deviant women in their society—Radha and Meera.
Littérateurs like Kalidasa and Tulsidas became men of learning because of their wives. Do we know who they were?

It’s very simple, really.
When you follow behind, you remain unseen, unsung, unnoticed—taken for granted and therefore uncelebrated.
When you walk ahead, or walk away, you are seen, followed, recognized, validated.

So ladies:
By all means, walk a step behind your husbands.
Do it so you can support them and prop them up to give the world the illusion that they have a spine.
Don’t expect social approval for doing it.

Feel free to follow in your husband’s footsteps.
Do it so you can clean up his messes and do damage control.
Don’t expect society to validate your hard work and celebrate you for it.

Take the backseat when your husband drives.
Do it so you can drive him where you want to go.
Don’t do it for any respect or rewards from society.